Many a times when we hear of blackmail, we tend to associate it with the common practice of having to meet the perpetrator's demands lest they reveal or publicize information or details of something they hold against us, that we would rather not have the public, or a particular person know.
In Uganda, for example, we have had ladies narrating stories of being blackmailed over their nude pictures that unfortunately, the masterminds behind the blackmail had. It's no doubt that for many of these cases, even after succumbing to the pressure, following through to the letter on the demands, terms and conditions of the bad guys, they still do the very thing you have been fighting hard to prevent.
This is a whole other long story but for today, i want to introduce us to something called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. Maybe its a new term to you, maybe its not. It can be defined as a process in which an individual makes demands and threats to manipulate another person to get what they want, often intended to control the victim's behavior through unhealthy ways.
If you are well versed with what narcissism is or you have experience dealing with a narcissist, you realize that there is a lot of similarities between the two. Emotional blackmail can be executed by the people we love, the people we are close to, our parents and elders and everyone who knows us so well that they get to find the weaker or soft spots in our character that they in turn use to create a fortress for their demands.
Mind you, sometimes you might not even realize that you are being blackmailed, simply because the bad guy, gets you and your emotions, your sense of judgement behind a tinted glass and they can control you whichever way they want.
The three common elements used to form a base for emotional blackmail is FEAR, OBLIGATION and GUILT. I will give examples down below so we understand how all these three are used in manipulating a victim into doing what the other party wants, with less complaint or without objecting, even when its not something they would particularly like to do.
FEAR
When i was younger, probably like 7 or 8, I did an abusive gesture towards my elder brother Hope. For lack of a better word, i will say "okuwema" as it is known in Luganda. It was my first time doing that and for some reason, Hope read so much into into it and decided he would tell Mum about it once she came back from wherever.
For fear of what the repercussion would be, i begged Hope to forgive me, to not tell on me. After hours of pleading, he agreed to forgive me on condition that i would do 'whatever' he was asked to do by our maid or mum for the entire day. I agreed to it and we were 'cool.' I did all the chores assigned to him, as agreed and as per his terms, we would never speak of it.
However, even the following day, he demanded that i do as he said. This time, it wasn't about what mum would do, but the fear that he instilled in me, showing me that if i don't comply, he might lose his composure.....(Jesus, Lord),...and tell on me.
Long story short, i did as he said for close to two weeks until our mother noticed that i was being used against my will, but there was a price i was paying with the fear of something bigger than just a favor.
Mum then sat me down and listened to my part of the story, told me never to 'kuwema' anyone and that was it. What Hope did is called emotional blackmail, i was guilty of my action, i feared what my punishment would be and certainly, i was driven into realizing that it was my obligation to atone for my crime, with far much a price, and within no definite stretch of time.
To Hope, i know you will read this, i hold nothing against you, it was just a perfect example of what emotional blackmail can be. I love you so very much!
GUILT
Have you ever been in a relationship with let's say an outgoing person but you not much of that type? There are situations like: (Come with me to this house party because you know i don't like being home.) Even when you don't want to go, once this person knows that you wouldn't want them to feel bad and bored, they will always use that, because you can't bear the sight of them sadly cancelling on their buddies, pacing around the house in utter misery and telling you, "it's just a party, we could go and get back!"
More so, when they go alone and do inappropriate things, they will give you the "if only you came with me, i wouldn't have been tempted to do that" kinda excuse. This keeps you on your heels, ready to tag along anytime, because you feel guilty of what could go wrong, and this certainly makes you feel obligated to take care of this person by sacrificing what you would rather do.
Watch out when they say, "i'm hungry, do you think you can pass by? Oh, how about you stay for a little longer, see, i feel much better and safer with you here." In the real sense, this person might have not wanted food in the first place, but because there is an element of you wanting to help out, and they know it, they are dead sure you would never say no to that, because you would feel guilty of 'leaving a hungry somebody to starve."
OBLIGATION
Have you ever felt like you have to do something just so someone doesn't question why you didn't? Sometimes it's not even something we enjoy to do, but because someone is used to us doing that very thing for them, they exert more pressure and demand, and need for it to be done, showing you how vital it is for you to do, so their routine is not disrupted.
Be careful of these elements. And like i said, emotional blackmail goes hand in hand with narcissism so the offender will never ask about whether you are okay doing what they require you to do, or if it disrupts your schedule....as long as their needs are met, its all they will ever want.
This is so binding in that you get to feel the guilt of "how will they handle the situation if i don't check on them on my way home?" What will they think? What if they are not alright? How will i explain myself to them,...stuff like that. It might seem harmless, but it's one sided and thats where the problem is.
If your workmate knows that you will cover for them, they will find a million reasons to make you understand why they can't be available at that moment, and psychologically tricking you into believing that every Friday afternoon, they won't be around and it's your obligation to sort out their mess.
What this does, is make you a slave of fear and guilt. "What if the boss notices that she didn't do this? Oh my God, i will be the reason for her getting reprimanded, i need to work on that project so fast." This, is exactly how emotional blackmail works, you have to do something for someone, because your conscience can't live with the thought of this other person being hurt by you not doing them that favor(s).
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT
Now, i am not a professional at giving advise on situations like this. But here is what i have learnt through experience;
- Limit the cases of compromise; when you have to compromise with your partner or friend concerning everything you want but they don't want, its not healthy. It could be just a way of them controlling you and what you do, for their own comfort and liking.
- Learn to say no and stick by it; many of the people who resort to blackmail are have lots of insecurities and by not being able to control you for their own 'safety,' they feel like you are being a threat and they could act out of their way to show you how 'grave' your choice is, so you can change your decision. This is the very reason why you have to stand your ground and not feed their set-up because once you give in, they will react worse to a situation, knowing pretty well that you will give in, again.
-Brace yourself for what may or may not happen; just like with the common blackmail, the more you hold on and give in to demands, the worse it gets for you and the more powerful the bad guy gets. If its money, you will keep paying up, doubling and this person will have more evidence to 'expose you with'.
But once you show this person that even when they threaten to harm themselves because you didn't do what they want, that it will entirely be their responsibility and not yours, they will have nothing to base on. Be sure to have clear boundaries on what, when and how you do things so that when what they ask for is out of your bounds, you don't have to yield to pressure from mere threats.
Alright guys, i guess i will break this off for now, if its entirely new to you, let's discuss more in the comments. However, be on the watch out for these things, evaluate your friends, family, workmates and all others that you relate with. Don't be a victim, don't be a servant!
