ADULTING: ONE BIG LIE, AND A FEW TRUTHS

I got back home, a bit exhausted but quite sad too. I could feel the sole of my shoes dragging on the tiles as i carelessly pushed the key into the alarm lock, thinking "how do I get out of this, how do I escape this feeling of emptiness that crowds my 'would be okay' life?"

Never thought adulting would be this hard, I am at a point in life where some mistakes I make might not get a chance to be corrected, that as a grown woman, I need to be in some kind of league, put together, carrying on my responsibilities and taking on roles that I never can escape. 

The feeling that being here was all I ever wanted when i was 14, and then for some reason, the reality that everything seems a bit on hold some days, makes me S-I-G-H. Adulting, according to me, really has no formula or one fine description. We just move along life, trying to do adult shit, only to realize "normal adults don't do that"....but again, there is no formula for each one of us to fit, that's one truth, at least.

Do you ever question yourself; What happened to all the fire that filled my soul back then? Where did the dreams that kept me awake all those nights go? 

You really never understand the meaning of a midlife crisis until each day seems like the previous one, like the boring routine it really is! You don't know if you are progressing or are stagnant but somehow you manage to wake up and live each day. 

That's where I am now, some days i put in my full participation, cheering myself on to the next email to work on, feeling excited about the woman I have become, proud of my little big accomplishments ...and then suddenly, the zeal comes to a sudden halt, the fire dies out slowly like a campfire invaded by a whirlwind preceding a storm.

Some days I am just happy about my minimal participation, pleased with myself when I can put one foot in front of the other and trudge on. I have been here many times, when much as i want to be confident about life, the back of my mind is still burning with flashes of all that I have not been able to do and should have.

Before the alarm went off, jerking me back to reality and realizing I was still there, my shoulder tired from the bag slung around it, I was thinking maybe I needed company that night. Maybe i needed someone to hug me back to life, to hold me close enough and keep me from falling apart. ..That maybe a little comforting is all i need sometimes and I do not have to necessarily be brave all the time. That maybe taking everything head-on doesn't have to be the solution each day....

I allowed myself a big, long sigh, drawing cold air into my lungs as if to push life into this static statue that i had become. I looked up, hoping I could resist the heat that was gathering in my eyes, the hot tears that soak me up in those moments when i don't know if I am exactly on the right rail in life.

But that was a lie I told myself, I never really seem to be in control of my own body when life hits me that way. Soon enough, before i stumbled into my empty living room, the salty taste of my own tears was reminding me of who I really am; just a person, like any other human, trying to figure out life, trying to be strong for my own self and yearning for all the things i can't possibly have or accomplish in a day.

Ushered in by the faint smell of the insecticide I sprayed before leaving for work, I let the bag fall freely to the carpet, noticing crumbs of the bread I had buttered hurriedly that morning while crouching; with a knife digging into the last crusty bit of peanut in the tin, phone sandwiched between my left shoulder and cheek as I responded to my mother's early morning call.

Patie Polly on her good days.

Pushing the noticeable bit with my big toe (we all do that....when we are too lazy to bend and pick something small) I sat slowly, my right hand pushing on the couch as if to give my weight some kind of much needed support. 

Feeling all weird and drowsy, I pulled my bag closer, picked my phone and typed the first two paragraphs you just read, just to keep track of me winding up a long day. The following paragraphs were written on Wednesday March 24 at 5 pm, from the recollection I have of this year's Women's Day encounters- Monday, March 8, 2021.

Thanks for dropping by, I would very much want to hear from you and how your long days go. This is one of the longest kept drafts that finally got a touch up and made it to you, thank you for being a fan of Patie Polly's Take.