CONVENIENT LOVE: HE/SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU

In a world where humanity can't do away with a bit of selfishness and greed, we tend to hoard any tit bits of convenience we can get our hands on, disregarding the need and courtesy of being tools of the peace and happiness we all would like to wallow in, always.

How we be trying to hold on to people who are not that into us.

Hello there, lovers! Happy new year! This is my first blog since Dec 2020 and, well,....here i am again talking about the most complex thing in the universe. Oh, by the way, it's not because i am a relationships guru or that kind of thing,...i'm just a girl, almost in her late 20s, trying to figure out stuff - especially when it comes to loving and being loved, breaking up and mending situationships.

From the title, as mentioned above, i am making highlights on something crucial to understand, not only in relationships, but normal friendships too. We are talking "Is it love or are you just convenient for the other party to keep around"? 

Maybe this hasn't even crossed your mind, or it has never been an issue for you. Either way, learning new things and understanding certain notions never hurt no body, not at all.

Where are the red flags? You ask.

Have you ever been in a relationship where it's more of an unbalanced situation? One party puts in all the work, makes calls, organizes dates, checks in regularly ..basically does the possible to sustain the relationship. 

On the other hand, however, the other partner is doing the least, and checks in with a text after a week of no show, has their focus on everything else but you and the flimsy excuse of a relationship they seem to be interested in, all is well as long as you, the understanding saint, keeps it all afloat.

Why would i be trapped in such? You ask.

Well, if that's the question that was hanging on as you thought about the situation, here is how such relationships manage to go on for whatever time lapse they may.

I am one of those people who fall so hard in love that i decide, sometimes, to compromise my needs or ideal way of life and what i would really want from the partnership or whatever it is i am dealing with at that particular time. If you are one like me, and the many of us ...i know we do exist,...you are most likely going to be the  giving, supporting, understanding and sometimes begging party.

You put so much hope into saving situations, focusing at the good in people and keeping a blind eye to everything unusual that's going on, just so you keep the peace and be a good girl or a good man. 

It may not actually be that vivid in the beginning,..that you are being the caretaker, the ideal partner and everything else you think you are or are trying to be, yet the recipient of all this, is doing nothing but having the time of their life else where, doing all they want to do, being with whoever they so wish and enjoying the convenience that you serve them daily on a silver platter.

But why would I continue to be with such a person? You ask.

Darling, these people have mastered the art of keeping their benefactors around, winning you over after ghosting you time and again, over reasons you will never receive, however much you seek response. 

They do this because baby, they are not that into you, although they might need you here and there. A text today, a dinner after you have nudged them on the matter, the biggest chocolate bar presented at your door after they cancelled on you over the weekend and never texted for two weeks....but it still works.

They know when to utter the very convincing words to you, when you are desperately yearning to hear them, its an art that works almost every time. But is that what you are worth? Is that all you have chosen to settle for, less? 

And what about the love i have for this person? You ask.

Well, when it comes to matters of the heart, it takes you and yourself to assess the situation and decide on what to do. Never be lied to that you will stop loving someone instantly because you have decided so,....it's a gradual process, filled with blind spots, heartaches, anxiety, doubt, stress, and uncertainty.

But it's all worth it in the end, when you make it to the other side of the hallway, where you don't necessarily have to beg someone to stay, when all they want is to leave. It hurts less, when you know that much as you lost the relationship, it's not draining life out of you any more.

Look, I am not anti-love, dating and relationships, infact, i love the feeling of being loved, stupidly in love. Everyone would love to wake up in the morning with a smile on their faces because "yesterday was a good day, i feel loved."

But i cannot downplay the excruciating pain of love that's not reciprocated either. I know just how tedious and exhausting a job it is to "hang in there", hold on to the one good moment you have had with your partner, fantasize about all the things you want to do, all that you want to feel with this boy, girl, man or woman.

I know how empty i felt when I ditched the Easter holiday with my family, only to be ghosted by my then boyfriend, with whom i had planned to do much over the Easter break. The long sleepless nights, the sad days, the endless wishes "that he would knock on the door sooner", the hallucinations that took centre stage in my mind....oh, poor little girl....i was losing myself trying sacrifice for a relationship with someone so unreliable, so insensitive, SOOOO NOT INTO ME!!!

This was me some years back....sigh...sigh

How do you overcome that? You ask

The first regimen to overcoming bad, toxic relationships and situationships is evaluating what you are getting back from the set up. This depends on how much you share with your partner,..maybe shared property, kids, investments,..all this needs consideration. Moving on might get trickier with all this involved but there is always a better way to deal with a situation.

Loving yourself more helps you overcome the urge to be loved by someone else (who ain't into it, in this case). Looking at what you can accomplish, your abilities and dreams will surpass the void created by the absence of the love and attention you seek,....but never find.

Finding other things to care about, maybe family, friends, and revisiting your hobbies will ease the tension created by the 'lack'. Look at the other side of life, change patterns, listen more and talk less, try to find satisfaction in all else other than dwelling on the hunt for happiness from this one undeserving person.

Make YOU happy, spoil yourself, treat yourself with kindness and learn to let go of things and people that kill you softly, silently but violently. It's in that window of darkness that all the seeds in you will grow. Give it time and brighter days will dawn sooner, i promise.

Yours,

          Patie.