GETTING CLOSURE, MOVING ON: HOW SOON IS TOO SOON?

When was the last time you broke up with somebody or somebody broke up with you? How long did it take you to find and get closure, clear your mind of all sentiments and embark on the tedious journey of moving on? 

For starters, i hope we can all agree that closure is very important as we strive to end relationships with the people we have been with.

How do you like that bit of chocolate?

GETTING CLOSURE

Closure is getting an understanding as to exactly why a relationship ended and no longer feeling emotional attachment or pain associated with the relationship. This helps you to move on and concentrate on other things or create new healthy relationships.

Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what's finished to something new.

Unfortunately, for some people, they can't bring themselves to find closure. In fact, they don't even clear things with their partners about whether they are moving on or are still interested in reviving the relationship or if they are falling in love with someone else, but still have attachment to the current relationship.

A good friend of mine once told me, "my boyfriend has ghost relationships/ ghost girlfriends."

It sounded strange, but she didn't hesitate to explain, "He didn't formally end some of his relationships so one of his 'ex girlfriends' is still in the picture, well, because she is still hoping to better her relationship with him."

That, ladies and gentlemen, is something you don't want to do. Don't keep someone around for your convenience. When you feel like its not working out anymore, respect your partner enough and let them know, either, you two can find a solution or mutually decide to split. It should be two-way, even when the other party might not readily accept the idea, it gives them a choice to make.

Some of the ways to aid you get closure are; 

Creating physical and emotional distance

There is always a sharp pain that cuts through our entire being when we go to the our favorite hang out spot only to see our ex partner laughing the night away with 'someone new.' This doesn't help the situation especially if you are trying to move on from the relationship that once was.

Creating physical and emotional distance entails changing some of the things you did together, the restaurant you preferred together, the cinema hall you frequented together, the night club you crushed together, because, these same places, will bring you memories that might lure you into holding on to nothing.

Even worse, there is a good chance that you are most likely going to to bump into this person, who might have moved on sooner than you did, they might be happy or with someone else already, trust me, you don't want to witness this substitute caressing him or her like you never owned him/her.

Pack away things of sentimental value that keep his/her presence alive 

For some people who are way too emotional and sentimental, even the scent of our ex's cologne brings fresh pain into our hearts. If you are trying to move on, distance yourself from that very couch where you discussed your divorce or separation. It will always bring tears, and make moving on hard.

The gifts, pictures, songs that you enjoyed while on a road trip to no where,....all those things, they don't help at all. They were important when the love was mutual, now that its a whole different story, holding on to them is definitely not the best thing to do.

Process your emotions, say goodbye

When it's over, even when you might not like it that way, you have to come to terms with it. Among other hard stuff to do, is to say goodbye to this person but it's extremely important. Be it via a letter, small note, a rendezvous, or which ever way that might initiate you into the "it's over club."

Self Care

There is nothing more soothing than waking up, grabbing a rob, heading for the kitchen to make a bit of breakfast, tuning on your happy music, and staging a dance off with yourself! Working out, yes, revenge body come through! Popping color, scent and self love in that bathroom will do you magic.

I know what i am about to write can be dangerous, but hey, what do we have to lose? Spoil yourself a little. Get you a bit of that Irish Cream and get a bit tipsy. I swear, it heals. It relaxes! If you can afford that Four Cousins box wine, why not???? Get lit for a moment and enjoy your space, time, without any other person, you will fall in love with YOU!

Forgive your writer, she's been dealing with a break up, she will put out more blogs.

Time for a new circle!

Break up time is new everything time. Its setting new goals, focusing more on your career, hydrating more, seeing family more, and most importantly, creating new friendships. Trust me, you don't wanna be hanging out with your ex's buddies, there is always that convo that will go south.

Tension will arise when they certainly talk about him or her, so save yourself the burden, ditch La Venti for Bughatti Bar,....for fellas in the Kiwatule Ntinda stretch. Meet new people, try new things and there,...you are on your way to finding happiness after a break up.

HOW SOON IS TOO SOON TO MOVE ON?

Just like relations end in an untimely manner, sometimes, moving on has no proper formula too. Love can be complicated and many a times but moving on can be quicker and easier than you ever imagined.

Moving on may vary according to the structure and what abode you to the relationship. The time it lasted also matters. If it was some months old, you could even blush off the pain and find love again after a month or two or a couple of more months.

However, if it was a long term kinda relationship, a lot comes into play. There is more to consider, more to sacrifice and definitely, more to let go. Maybe there are kids involved, maybe joint investments, maybe pending financial matters,....all these need attention before you decide to cut ties.

So depending on how long the relationship lasted and how much needs to be sorted together as a couple, finality will require respective amounts of time to take shape.

Moving on might come with guilt or even criticism from people, but i always dwell on the belief that if you have to please people, then you are bound to be sad and unfulfilled. These people don't know how hard you try to sleep but in vain, they don't see how bad your heart breaks at the mention of your ex partner, they certainly don't know how that person they are tying you to, is feeling about the situation.

Do you, darling, whether you have moved on so fast or you are taking time, external pressure shouldn't be your worry. Focus on fixing you, getting your happiness back and living life the way you want it. It shouldn't be anyone's business. We all are looking to love, life and happiness. These three are worth fighting for, as per my opinion.

Otherwise, love is a beautiful thing and there is indescribable joy that comes with finding that one person who reignites the ancient spark in your heart, don't give up on love, and certainly, don't beg for love or settle for the wretched struggle love.

NOTE: I ain't no love specialist, i am just some girl who has fallen in and out of love a couple of times and i thought i would share this with someone who might need it. These are definitely personal opinions and they might not work for everybody, but atleast, they have worked for me.

Till next time, 

Love,
          PATIE